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I've made the decision that if George Bush is made president for 4 more years I'm moving to England or Scotland. I'll finish up getting my masters degree and I'm packing up my shit and moving away. I seriously can't handle 4 more years of this jerkoff. Honestly, I may never come back because I will have totally lost faith in American and its people. I'll finish by saying you know the US is in rough shape when I think that France is looking like a nice place to live.
So who's coming with me? |
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Aug. 29th, 2004 @ 02:19 pm
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1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Have you ever had a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain it.
7. Describe me in 1 word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When was the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this in your lj and see what I say about you? |
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Aug. 4th, 2004 @ 10:51 am
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So dan got me into this new online game, basically it's like a fake stock market with websites.
Man I'm addicted. |
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I was thinking in philosophy class today (kind of the idea of Philosophy class except my thoughts were completely and utterly off topic) about how it's weird that people in general lots of people come to the same conclusions in life through entirely different means. Obviously everyone's experience is quite different but when you explain some kind of epiphany you've had about things often the person you're explaining to has had an equal or very similar one that they will in most cases relate back to you. In the end you both decide that you're awesome for being super smart and figuring out that next time you shouldn't put things in your mouth when you don't know what they are.
I've had occasion to wonder if I think about this stuff to much. I obviously don't update this very often but this is the kind of stuff I tend to think about most of the time. It just seems on most cases I don't have any interest in sharing what I'm thinking about and it's been known to drive my girlfriend sort of nuts since she's now been under the impression that I just don't think much at all. I'm thinking perhaps my lack of wanting to tell people is due to a complete laziness and really having no desire to absolve myself of that.
My next realization today is how amazingly self-centered my and everyone else's livejournal entries are. I'm not saying this is a bad thing to be honest though. At some point it seems our society decided it was this terrible to think about yourself outloud and we've been taught that being "self-centered" is bad. I'm pretty confident when I say I couldn't disagree more. I see a problem in someone who does this all the time but where's the problem in spilling yourself out onto the internet to gain critique and encouragement? I guess what is a little bit of a problem it's people lack of accepting critique gracefully on livejournal but I suppose I don't really put stuff into this looking for negative responses either. so ya. I also don't think there's a proper way to end a livejournal entry but this just seems to be me. |
| » A lack of life in my life maybe? |
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I've been reading "Me talk pretty someday" which has been an excellent read but has also introduced to the fact that one of 2 things is true of my life. The first is that my life is rather boring and more or less devoid of interesting stories that could be used to fill a book about life and its experiences. The other possible problem is that I have a complete inability to take interesting stories offering some epiphany on life and put them into a format that would be interesting for someone other than myself to read. This sort of leads me into my next problem that is everytime I read a book I find remotely interesting it spurs this interest to be a writer from the depths of my soul and I have no idea why. Isn't this amazing livejournal enough?? Apparently no. I chose to actually reflect on this feeling today and wonder what the possbile outcome of this would be in the long run. My guess is that for the next 10 or so years whenever I read an interesting book I'll have this feeling return. This won't be a problem until I'm in my mid-thirties and I have one of those "what does it all mean" crisis you see so much in the movies and on TV. This will prompt me to take some sort of creative writing class at a local community college (more than likely taught by a failed want to be writer just to add irony to all this) and in the end write some sort of book that's an episode of Seinfeld in novel form just without the stinging wit or the underlying social commentary on life. I'm laughing at myself after reading that statement as I know there's an optimist buried somewhere inside me, it just seems like maybe the pessimist tied him up to a chair and put one of those lampshades dogs wear when they get cuts and they're not supposed to lick them. Why the lampshade thing? Because it's a freakin optimist and all it can say is "well at least I won't lick my cuts anymore" Stupid Optimism.
Anyways on a slightly more serious note I sincerely wish I could be a great storyteller and produce a book that millions of people would buy and read and relate to on some level. Maybe I could even have some kind of odd insight on life that would cause book critics to be blown away with my abilities of self analysis. Now my writing skills are far to lacking for anything like that to occur but I suppose that's why we dream.
Apr. 26th, 2004 @ 09:21 pm
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| » Spotless |
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Just got back from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and WOOOOW. It was extremelly good and Charlie Kaufman does not let me down again. There was some surreal to watching this panorama of a relationship from it's good to its bad but not in the normal movie sense of just watching it happen. There was something to knowing it was failing but you didn't want to see it go. It would seem that's why a lot of relationships last to long... you don't see that point where things wnet from being more good to more bad. I know personally I hate that point and have made it a point to somehow ignore it in the past or maybe I just couldn't see it or something. I consider my track record with females to be somewhat ugly so it's the only thing I can assume. anyways...
Recommend to me...
1) a movie.
2) a book (Anything.)
3) a musical artist, song, or album.
4) a LiveJournal user not on my friend's list.
5) what I should have for dinner.
6) a website.
and put it in a comment and then put this in your journal.
Mar. 21st, 2004 @ 10:08 pm
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| » Slow burnout courtesy of classes. |
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This semester is slowly beating the crap out of me. The result of taking 7 classes in one semester (2 more than the norm here) is a feeling like wood must have as you apply sand paper to it to slowly chisel it away. By the time Friday rolls around you're so desperate for the weekend to start to remove some kind of massive weight from your shoulder. That and sleeping in is great.
Where is this going? I'm sort of left to wonder if this is what all of life is like. Getting up early every day and battling through the week simply to reach the weekend that feels way to short. Is the end of school really just a change of scenary? This mainly stems from my frustration in seeing all the oportunites there are to make money out there simply if you all ready have some money. It's really quite lame how that works. That's all.
Mar. 10th, 2004 @ 07:23 pm
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| » new layout for no good reason |
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I found the easy precreated layouts area. I wanted a change. Bam. Change.
I came to the realization today that it's March. It's basically me saying and there were two and it being in reference to months left at my current school. It doesn't seem like I have this big change coming up but it's definitely there. I suppose the real big change of it is hiding out in late August or so. It's sort of looming like a ninja waiting to stab. I suspect I'll be going back to school but it won't be here so that's just as weird as it gets to me. I can still remember my first day of college when I unpacked all my stuff from my mom's car and she left and I went back to my room and sat on the bed and just sort of looked around and I definitely had this feeling of "now what?"
The big difference between then and now? I'm ready for a change this time. Having LOVED high school in some respects it was sad for me go, this time I'm ready for some kind of transition in life even if the change is just one school to another.
As usual this is just random... ramblings.
Mar. 2nd, 2004 @ 09:12 pm
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| » Philosophy there's still time for you |
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Every day I goto philosophy and wonder how philosophy majors exist. I really enjoy the classes and such but I can't help but wonder how they can justify because I've never been to a more pointless series of courses in my life. They bring up a series of moral issues then present a series of possible solutions. This is then followed by a series of problems with every single one of them and you find out how none of them work. In the end the problem is still there and you're just wondering how anyone could think any of theories is a good idea cause none of them work. Sound confusing? It is. With that I present my own solution to morality. Tell me your problem and I will tell you what you should do! That way everyone will follow a uniform structure and since it's mine people won't be able to piss me off as much. I hope we're in agreement on that one. :)
Later!
Feb. 10th, 2004 @ 12:53 pm
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| » Even crazy thinks the last few days were crazy |
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The following is an actual account of a true story from somewhere that was there to witness it all. The person is me and it's weird.
It all starts with an instant message from my friend and former girlfriend Ann-Marie's dad telling me in more words that she's passed away. It was to be expected as she had cancer and we all knew it was coming. I went to be the night I found out with a heavy heart and had begun making plans to go out for the funeral. My mom comes out from New Hampshire and the shocking happens, we find out we had been misinformed and Ann was actually alive and has suffered a stroke. She was in a coma and it was unknown what the severity of the stroke was. We decide to go out anyways cause we figured her time was short anyways and we didn't really know what to expect. We were set to leave Thursday morning and we get an e-mail from Ann's dad and she was awake but the stroke had caused her to lose approximately 2 and half years of her memory and she had a little problem controling her left leg. She was out of the hospital by the time we got there and we went and saw a movie. She had no idea who we were or that she had cancer and it was like I was out with the girl I talked to when I first met her. Going from dead to living was incredible but myself, nick and my mother were out with someone who should be dead from cancer and just suffered a stroke hours ago. Incredible. In-freakin-credible.
Can you say mind over matter anyone?
Later.
Jan. 26th, 2004 @ 05:37 pm
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| » Death of the storyteller |
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So this is what shock feels like.
Ann died the night before last though I just found out around midnite last night and I won't lie and say I've cried my eyes out cause it doesn't seem real in any way shape or form. I got to talk to her for an hour on the phone that night and I think I'm more grateful for that then anything I've ever had. She seemed so sad when she called and really happy once we had talked for a bit which could be the only thing I'm more grateful for... she may have been happy. It'll never seem right that she's gone though. Never.
Jan. 21st, 2004 @ 11:54 am
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| » The Storyteller |
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I saw Big Fish the other day which I suppose I'll start by simply suggesting that you see it. I really enjoyed it and it's not little kiddish or any of that crap stupid people have tended to label it. I'm pretty sure little kids would neither enjoy or really understand it cause a lot of enjoying it is seeing what it all really means in a symbollic sense. Anyways...
Ultimately the movie left me thinking about things other than the story and what was going on in my own life. I've always been disapointed with my complete lack of abilities as a storyteller. As soon as we start writing stories in whatever grade we're in I think it becomes obvious fairly quickly whether you have the ability to do this or you just don't and I definitely fell into the don't category. I think the strangest part is that it's not a lack of ideas or having the things to say to make a story interesting there's just something that's missing that makes it so that when you tell the story it has the special feel to keep it interesting and make the listeners want to know whats going to happen. I've always been particularly jealous of Ann in this particular ctaegory. I always remember when she'd come to visit me via either train or plane and she would always have all these stories about things that happened for either form of transportation. What I always really enjoyed and was jealous of was the fact that these stories coming out of just about anyone else would be so painfully boring you'd be thinking about other things in a second. Somehow Ann just managed to make these stories interesting and I'll never be able to explain why. I'm pretty sure that's the easiet way to tell a storyteller from a regular person in the end. It seems to be something you see in lots of people in varying levels but some people just seem to have a real flair for it and those are the really unique ones and I guess the ones that I'm ultimately jealous of. It just seems like such a rare thing that these people should never be able to die. I guess it ultimately just comes down to not wanting to see my friend die. This just isn't the kind of thing that's supposed to happen at 21 and it's the kind of thing you want to shove in the face of all those bible thumping idiots and just shout, "how the hell do you explain this you fucking idiots??" even though you know it won't do you any good in the end and the only thing it can really achieve is ruin someone's ignorant faith. Misery just loves company I guess. Well this was mildly depressing, I apologise. Later.
Jan. 16th, 2004 @ 02:04 pm
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| » The life you change just may be your own |
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So after an uhh interesting experience I've had a what I'll refer to as wonderful change in views on life. A looong time ago before most of the people who read this knew me I went from being an innocent naive person to one who got burned. The person who burned me was given a second chance which was eventually used to do this once again. I was left completely jaded towards not just some people but all people. I setup this emotionally protecting philosophy of don't trust people and that people only get one chance and after maintaining this as being more or less the only possibly way to survive life I've realized that I'm pretty much a total and complete idiot. That philosophy only worked whereas I had never really done anything particularly wrong that I could be condemned for. You don't get to find out what it was that caused the change in views so no asking please. Anyways, I've come to see now that no matter how "pious" you may be, you will eventually fuck up and more than likely ask for a second chance and I fully believe that people deserve them now. You can remain infallible only for so long and you when you fuck up you deserve a second chance to never to do it again. How else can you prove you've actually learned from your past? In the end I find it interesting how are experiences effect us where some manage to completely override things that we thought were previously the only way to be and were also based on experience. I suspect that past sentence made almost no sense so read it a couple of times slowly and you should get it. OK, cough off some comments on this if you please. Later.
Jan. 9th, 2004 @ 03:33 pm
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| » The obligatory entry |
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I decided that if I could have one thing right now besides the obvious things of like world peace and no disease and the like that I wish I had the ability to write really well. I guess I should explain more in depth what I mean though. You ever watch a movie or read a book and the characters will say something and you just thing, "wow, that's dead on how I feel/would feel" and while that may not seem an especially difficult thing to do, I suggest that it truly is. I just think it would be incredible to write something and have people say that I got them. You don't even know the person and somehow you got them. Maybe it's just the idea that it's nice to feel like you're not alone in the emotions we have.
Whether or not this is actually what I would do with one wish remains to be seen as I didn't really think of other possibilities. It would definitely be good though.
Jan. 2nd, 2004 @ 05:37 pm
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| » Selfishness, where it is and where it's going. |
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I'll admit at the beginning of this that it was nice to have a one day break from dealing with sucky crap. It sort of comes back though and maybe I should have expected it too. I'm beginning to think I'm real sucker when it comes to girls. I really want to believe my heart can guide me right but I see with every passing day that it can't. The fucking thing must be a masochist because it always heads down the road to getting hurt. The proof would be that I'm sitting here at 3:11 in the morning right some stupid livejournal update that approximately 5 people will see and no one will comment on and the only reason I'm writing it is because I'm heart broken. I followed a girl like a complete fucking idiot even though she told me of the problems that occur. In the end I'm left alone sitting in my room feeling like shit and feeling like if I never saw or talked to her again that it wouldn't be such a bad thing. That says a lot by the way since I stayed friends with Lindsay up until recently when she cheated on me twice. Someone managed to do something worse than cheating on me I guess and it seems like it's really all my own fault. I just should have known in the end where this dumbass relationship was going. I'm am a fuckup. To put it in Fight Club terms, "I am Ian's wasted love."
I think every relationship you have leaves you a little more tough and little more wise but I also feel like ultimately those things are going to take away from when you ultimately find whatever it is you're looking for. You'll end up walking with such a cautious step because of the stupidity that's happened in the past and it may end up screwing up what's right for you and that's way more than sad. It's the kind of thing that the word sad was originally made to describe. We took the word so out of context to allow it to describe any stupid piece of bullshit that happens in our life but missing out on your perfect person is what it was really made for. Why do I even allow myself to write this crap when I'm drunk? Thank god I'm out of this town for a month tomorrow.
Later.
Tonight the bottle let me down
It let your memory come around
The one true friend I thought I'd found
Tonight the bottle let me down
I've always had a bottle I could turn to
And lately I've been turnin' every day
But the wine don't take effect the way it used to
And I'm hurtin' in old familiar ways
Tonight the bottle let me down
It let your memory come around
The one true friend I thought I'd found
Tonight the bottle let me down
Each night I leave the bar room when it's over
Not feeling any pain at closing time
But tonight your memory found me much too sober
I can't drink enough to keep you off my mind
Tonight the bottle let me down
It let your memory come around
The one true friend I thought I'd found
Tonight the bottle let me down
Dec. 20th, 2003 @ 03:08 am
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| » Even I don't know |
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Ann and I were having a conversation about jerking off causing blindness...
MyStoreBoughtWay: you must walk into things all the time
MyStoreBoughtWay: possibly while jerking off
isavedth3day: no i never walk around
isavedth3day: too dangerous
MyStoreBoughtWay: you should try it, i multitask now
isavedth3day: nah i just get someone to do it for me
MyStoreBoughtWay: the current commercial world demands multitasking to be efficient
MyStoreBoughtWay: so i have no choice but do other things while i jerk off
isavedth3day: mulittasking is for suckers
MyStoreBoughtWay: well, while you're a bottom level position in the coporate world i'll be climbing the ladder, jerking off the whole way
It's pretty rare that I laugh at the stuff I say but I damn well near lost it there.
Dec. 17th, 2003 @ 05:36 pm
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| » Why did I goto university? |
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OK, I've come to a sudden realization. Why did I come to university when I could have become a stealth assassin of the night. Honestly, why haven't I spent my time in university training to become a ninja. It's come to my understanding that hitmen do pretty well and I somehow suspect a ninja hitman could charge way more than a regular hitman just based on the argument that when the person that hires you tells people about it he'll say he hired a ninja hitman and the people hearing this will be way more impressed than had he just hired a regular "hitman." Man... I really dropped the ball on this whole not becoming a ninja thing.
There's also no finals to become to a ninja, you just are or are not.
Later.
Dec. 15th, 2003 @ 03:24 pm
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| » I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore |
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I'm listening to the songs that's from, that's the only real reason for that title. I've like 97.645% from little whining session last night and feel mostly better. I think the only reason I'm writing this is because I love the fact that I can pretty much totally rely on going out and doing a run to clear the shit from my head and even though it doesn't solve the problems (especially since the problems in this case are not things I can do anything about) it's just nice to know there's something I can do that allows to get back on track a bit when something causes me to emotionally get a little out of control.
OK, that's not the only reason for this. I'm left feeling rather curious about sensitivity and its degrees after the things that occurred and were said last night. I'm pretty sensitive person but I don't consider myself to be anywhere near to sensitive but I definitely got called that last night which has left me a bit perplexed as to what to think about this. I in no way shape or form see sensitivity as a bad thing because while it's a pain in the ass when something hurts your feelings because of that level but it's also a 2 way street and you're able to understand the feelings of others better and in many cases it seems to help with solving problems. I think in the end I'd much rather be too sensitive than not sensitive enough cause either way someone isn't going to be pleased and being too sensitive more than likely means you're a little bit nicer, you'll understand why they hate you better :)
Quick reminder the stuff in here rarely has a point and this was no exception, feel free to comment anyways.
Ian
Dec. 13th, 2003 @ 07:49 pm
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| » Drunken entry part 2 I suppose |
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I'm left feeling hurt right now. I'm also left amazed about how one event can take away so many positive events from a day so quickly. I just don't get why it takes so much good to remove a negative and so little negative to remove so much good. Maybe it's because right now I want to cry and feel like I lack the ability. Something forces those fiery hot tears back into my face and forces me instead to keep typing. Maybe it would be better if instead of writing the thing that bother me so much in this livejournal I almost keep if instead I wrote thing that make me really happy. For whatever reason I keep those things to myself instead of burying them in some computer hard drive that makes up a piece of the internet. It's my stupid little piece that I fill with my infinite whining and stupidity. I think I know why I do this in some sense. I'd like it to be in the largest sense a reminder to myself about the mistakes I made. Making a mistake more than once makes no sense and it would also seem by definition of the word "mistake" impossible. Can you do something by accident more than once. It would seem after you screw something up once, after that you should know better than to make the same mistake again. Why am I rambling in this completely non-sensical manner? I've had a lot to drink tonight and I know I need to drink a lot of water to make it suck less tomorrow. Another reason why I put my infinite whining down in here? I think it's more important... I'd like to people who know of this to have some chance of avoiding the mistakes I make. I just sort of hope by seeing the personal experiences of someone they know it'll seem more realistic and maybe I'll save someone from doing the stupid shit I do.
In the end? It's lonely in this apartment... you can know 3 people and have them all be there and still feel like you're completely alone. Honestly... I think everyone I know could be here right now but the one person who could make me feel better chooses not to be. I'm just not good at handling that. I think I can do that crying now.
Later.
Dec. 13th, 2003 @ 03:15 am
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